THE MESSY MIDDLE

A few days ago, I read something that I had written three years ago.  I hardly recognized that girl.  It is nearly unbelievable how much life has changed in ways I never expected.  I wish I could say it is so much better, and in some ways, it honestly is. But in others, it's overwhelmingly worse.

Do I sound negative?  If someone were looking at me, my life probably wouldn't seem like that.  My marriage is better than ever.  Mason definitely challenges us, but we love him so much more ever day that we literally just might burst.  We are connected with our church, and both love our jobs.  So what makes it worse, then?

It's me.  It's my head, my emotions, and my entire state of being.  I realized this week that I'm my own worst enemy.  My own thoughts are what bring me down and discourage me.  It's all internal.  And that also means I cope by blocking things out.  I block out Jesus and I lose my tenderness.  Little by little, I become hardened, and three years later I don't know who I'm looking at in the mirror or how I've gotten here.

I thought about all of this.  All the emotions that have changed since three years ago, and how I have such a different outlook now.  Though I'm less tender, I could offer that I'm also less entitled, which isn't entirely a bad thing.  But can I ever get back to my three years ago self?

Do I want to?

The outlook I had back then, and the things I believed, were so awesome.  My actions and my beliefs were aligned, and it was great.  And as I unknowingly let this misalignment creep in these past three years, it's just really been hard.  And I don't know what to do or who to be.  And that's kind of where I'm at.

I usually make quick conclusions but not this time.  I need to ponder a bit more and use this time to figure out this alignment.  And it could take time.  But I know deep down that He who began a good work in me will see it through to completion.  This is just the middle.  The messy, messy middle.

A NEW LEAF

So it's actually been a really long time since I've been here, huh.  My (poor) excuse is that my computer was (is) nearly impossible to use since it's so old.  It crawls.  But we have plans to change that.  I guess I have just missed writing about my life so I showed up again.

It's January.  In a new year.  And actually we're halfway through the month already.  I can hardly believe it.  Today my little babe is five and a half, which is a milestone I never imagined, quite frankly.

I made a few resolutions.  I don't know that they are for the year, necessarily.  In my head I think of them as January resolutions, so that when February comes, I can build on them or tweak them as necessary.  My first is to cut back on coffee, which I'm still in the process of.  I'm doing great, thanks. I was drinking a ridiculous amount of coffee before. Ridiculous.  My ultimate goal is to get to just one cup a day (and save anything more for special occasions).  Maybe by February.

My second is to drink more water.  I do well at this during the week when I'm at work and in a routine.  Also my coworker helps me.  But at home, I'm still working on it.

Final goal, I'm working out.  I really needed this.  I wake up at 4:30 (yeah, I know) on weekdays and trudge downstairs, but always emerge feeling energized.  Weekends I am a little less regimented but I still try hard to prioritize this time.  I was feeling so chubby.  Outside of pregnancy, I'm definitely my heaviest self.  And I was feeling even more lazy.  I was running out of energy and I desperately wanted that to change.  So even though now I have the same bedtime as many toddlers, I feel a lot better.  I'm hoping this continues into the months to come.

Byron is in the think of working on the bathroom in our basement.  This is the last major project we have to complete (though small projects never end around here!).  He is able to do a little bit just about every day and it's moving us closer to a finished space.  We cannot wait!  It will be especially hand for me, now that I've got this early morning workout routine, to have a shower that's not two inches away from where people are sleeping.

We have had an extremely long period of silence and waiting, but we are still hopeful in our journey to adoption.  By now, everyone that I've known or met on this journey has started and ended their own adoption journeys and we're the last kids on the bus.  I know that in the end, everything will make sense, but I am not going to lie - it's been hard at times.  I know I probably have self-imposed fears, but I constantly worry that I'm a disappointment or failure to others.

I missed writing about some big occasions last year (trips to Phoenix and Disney World!) and I found that I just hardly pick up my camera anymore.  And that was so fun for me.  So although I never know what the next day will bring and how I might change my mind, I would like to come back here and visit every once in awhile.

CHRISTMAS EVE

Christmas Eve was fun.  As Mason gets bigger, he is able to do more fun "big kid" stuff.  Like stay up late.  And go with the flow when the usual schedule changes.

I had to work in the church nursery during the Christmas Even service.  Which really only means I didn't get the obligatory mom picture of Mason at the candlelight service.  Next time.

After church, my family came over to our house for snacks/appetizers.  It was super simple.  I went a little crazy, and bought poppers.  Who does this?  It was probably too much money for something that lasts 3 seconds.  But, memories.  They were also super hero themed, because that goes with Christmas.  Basically, I went nuts, but in the end we still had poppers.  And the whole point of this ridiculous story is just to introduce the picture, which is us in our crowns.  You're welcome.  (Sadly our Uncle Matt was working.)

I know to anyone reading this that it probably seems silly, but I really hope that we can continue this sweet little tradition in the future.  It was special for us, and that is what matters.  Maybe even the poppers, too.

PRESCHOOL CHRISTMAS PROGRAM

Around here it is spring break week.  So what am I doing?  Finishing up my recap of December.  As you do.

As we saw at Thanksgiving, Mason made great strides in his preschool program performances, and this December, he even received a speaking part in his school play.  It was a total shocker to us, as he hadn't said anything (I didn't even know to ask) and it happened to come out at church one day.  He would be playing the role of the innkeeper.  He nailed it, if you ask me.

Of course, here is where he is visually tells us the reading was too loud.  Actors are able to give visual cues.  Talent, folks.

"There's no room!"

NOVEMBER

I nearly forgot, but in early November, we were still having warm weather, so I dragged this family of mine out for a hike around Raccoon River.  Now, the bad part of the story is that we cot a little bit of a later start than I had hoped, so there did come a part of our trek when both Byron and I thought shoot - what if the sun sets on us out here?  So there was quite a bit of hustling out on the trail, but ultimately we made it around and had such a great time!  I'll definitely be dragging my family out there more often as soon as spring comes around.

Mason's preschool class had an adorable Thanksgiving program and feast that we were invited to.  In contradiction to last year's preschool finale, Mason did great!  He seemed to be a little embarrassed when he knew we were watching him, but his little lips were moving through every song they were supposed to sing.  The thing I can't forget is that this child, who we regularly struggle with at meal times, wolfed down his Thanksgiving feast all on his own.  In one swift move he had shoved his entire slice of turkey in his mouth with one bite!  It is so fun to see him in his class with his little friends.  He's different with them than his is at home, proof that he's growing up yet will always be my baby.

This Thanksgiving we had a bit of a first for us - we hosted Byron's family for Thanksgiving dinner. With such a big family, we chose a to have it a couple of Saturdays before the actual date.  Byron's mom has always hosted.  I imagine it's hard for most people to be able to fit 25-30 guests inside the average home.  But with our basement now finished (enough), and our wide open living space, we made it work.

Of course, it's not a holiday around here without something memorable happening.  About 30 minutes before our family is supposed to start showing up, we discover that our sink is leaking.  It was a huge mess.  We've been dealing with it on and off before, and thought we had fixed the issue, but I guess not.  I'm no plumber, so I don't know what the actual problem was, but it led to us only having half a sink.  Thank goodness we were eating on paper plates with plastic utensils or we would have been in trouble.

Additionally, Mason wasn't feeling super well.  And leading up to it, he hadn't been sleeping well or napping much, either.

Although he was so SO excited to see and play with his big cousins, he conked out on the couch right when we all started eating.  Bless his heart, he did still get some playtime with the big kids, but most importantly he got the rest he needed.

When I started to write this post, I really didn't think we had all that notable of a November, but now that I've recounted so much, it turns out, we did quite a bit!  And I can see how we've been quite blessed.  We have so much to be thankful for!

OCTOBER

October's highlight was most definitely Halloween.  For us, Halloween celebrations include the pumpkin party at Aunt Bebe's church and trick or treat night, nothing too overboard.  And it was so much fun.

I am the type of person who has giant pinterest-style ambitions for adorable costumes.  My track record with follow through is relatively low, but still.  The decision though is ultimately up to Mason. And when we asked him what he wanted to be, he mentioned a couple of super heroes (Thor and the Hulk) but ultimately decided on the dinosaur costume that still fit from the year before.  Maybe this is a story that only a mama will appreciate, but to me it just shows me how his little brain and personality work.  It was almost as if he thought Duh, Mom.  We have a dinosaur costume right here, what else would I wear? I'm hoping that this means he is a lower drama kid than his mama was growing up.  Fingers Crossed.

SEPTEMBER

It's everybody's favorite time of year...back to school!  In September, Mason started his four year old preschool program.  It meets three mornings a week for two and a half hours, which is an increase in length and frequency from last year.  (I couldn't have written that sentence any dorkier.)  Keep in mind he did NOT want his photo taken this year!

We introduced a new school theme this year, though I couldn't manage to make a coordinating art piece this year.  The theme is "Listen and Obey."  It has since slightly been modified, but we now say it everyday as we leave the house - listen, obey, and make good choices.  The school year started off a bit bumpy, as it is hard for a certain little boy to remember to sit still, be quiet, and keep his hands to himself, but eventually we got in the groove and he has been doing great.  He loves his teachers, and he even has a little group of friends again this year.  They play Ninja Turtles every day during their group play time.  Mason is always Michaelangelo.

It's so much fun to watch him grow, and to see how he has changed from last year to this year.  I know we have several years of this ahead of us, but I can already see the years flash before my eyes.

AUGUST

As I try to think back to August, I don't think it was too memorable for us.  Although as I type those words memories are suddenly flowing back, so maybe I'm wrong after all.  We spent the majority of our days playing outside in the summer heat, but we also took our first family trip to the State Fair.  Yes, you read that right.  For the first time in Mason's life, and the first time in Byron and my eight years together, we have never gone together to the fair.  It's like an Iowa sin, I'm sure.

We did get the chance to zip up to our home away from home, Michigan, to meet up with my family to celebrate an uncle's wedding.  It was a chance to see all my relatives and some of our friends, too, in a very short amount of time.

Finally, August marked a big milestone for us as far as our adoption goes.  Yes, we are still hoping that adoption is in the future for us, but we say that now knowing ultimately that whatever happens is in the Lord's hands.

The rest of the year flew by.  We would soon be celebrating back to school, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  At home, we are already starting to look ahead to what the new year will bring.  But for now, I still have a few more months to recount.

JULY

July really gives us reason to celebrate.  It's Mason's birthday!  How fitting for my 200th post.

And how crazy that I now have a four year old???  After struggling for what seemed like forever through ages 2 and 3, 4 gave us about two weeks of absolute perfection.  And then we were back to reality, but with 4 year old issues now.  And for the most part, they are much better.  Mason can be such a riot.  The things that he says are hilarious!  We are really enjoying him.

For his birthday adventure, we took him to his first movie theater movie where we saw Inside Out.  His favorite character was Disgust, and we couldn't get enough of him saying it - "Disdust".  Since then he has been to a couple of movies, which is one of the great things we are learning about having a big kid!

One of the funniest things he said to me shortly after turning four was "Don't you know Jesus died so that people could be twins."  I asked for clarification a few times (cleansed?) but he really meant what he said.

He totally surprised me one morning as I was reading to him.  I randomly quizzed him on a word (cat) and he got it right. Maybe a fluke I thought, so we tried again (dog) and he got it, too.  He proceeded to sound out three more words all by himself, so now we are working on reading as often as we can.  He would still much rather play Ninja Turtles or Legos than practice school things with mama, but I try to sneak them in as much as possible.

I'm sure there are many more hilarious things I could say about that boy, but this will do for now.  We are so thankful for the four years we have had with him so far and pray for many many more!

JUNE

This place has gone largely abandoned.  Oops.  Such is life.  I have noticed one main change in the way we do life here as my baby is slowly turning into a little person - I don't take as many pictures.  When he was little, everything used to be an opportunity for a photo shoot.  Now he's so much more independent, that we aren't just observing things any more, we are deep in the action.   Which means fewer photos.  This will be evidenced below, shortly.

Anyhow.  I do feel like a quick recap of the rest of our year would be beneficial for, well, me.  So let's see.  The highlight of June was our summer vacation to South Dakota.  We did so much, it was quite awesome, though maybe just one day too long.

Highlights were the butterfly garden in Sioux Falls, Bear Country USA, Reptile Gardens, Mount Rushmore, and Keystone in general.  Deadwood was kind of dead for me, and a bit disappointing from what Byron had been expecting, but we made the best of it.  And saw a cool shoot out.

There may be an addendum to this post, with some of our instagram pictures, but since my computer is slowly dying, it won't be today.  Just know we had an awesome time and are pumped to check another state off our list of travel goals!

THE EPIC CLOSING PROGRAM

We maybe should have known, that when he filed in like this, that we were in for a real treat.

 Through the entire program, five songs long, we were the proud parents of the boy who did this.

Now, some parents may have been embarrassed by this (or grandparents, hi mom).  But to me, this is nothing but memorable.  Perhaps the greatest memory of his entire preschool year.  Now, I have full confidence that in a few years he will turn into a fantastic student, and that this is not foreshadowing for his junior high band concert or whatever event it is. But really, our little three year old sourpuss is just too hilarious for words.  Bravo, little Stover.  Bravo.

LAST DAY OF PRESCHOOL

Well it's been awhile.  A bit longer than intended.  I guess life has been happening for us, and now I have a few things to catch you up on.  Like how my baby finished his first year of preschool.

He was pretty squirrelly on this day (not to mention SUPER shaggy) so we only got a select number of pictures where he would actually look at the camera, but I suppose that is common at this age.  And thankfully, we got this gem up above.

We went to his program at school, which was memorable and will be shared shortly.  Afterwards, we went out to lunch and celebrated with an afternoon at the zoo.  We are so proud of our boy, and even though there were aspects of preschool that were challenging for him, he has come SO FAR this past year.  We love his preschool, love his teachers, and are so thankful for the education he is already getting.

I expect this will be a common view for us as he gets older.  Him, backpack, walking away.  I remember he had never worn a backpack before his first day of preschool (he refused to try it on).  And now, it's just so natural.  I can only hope that we are in some small ways instilling him with the values that he will live with the rest of his life.  We love you so much Mason.  And we are with you wherever your path takes you!

WALKING THROUGH UNCERTAINTY

I suppose it has been awhile, and is time for an adoption update.  This post has been in my head and on my heart for awhile now, but with the busyness of life, hasn't been written.

Things were going along according to plan.  We were officially placed on the waiting list for an Ethiopian child last summer. We knew about how long we would wait, what we needed to accomplish in the mean time, and generally what would be next.  Can you sense what's happening from my verb tense?

Sometime around October (the dates are a little fuzzy to me now but I think that's close), we were participating in a conference call on various topics with the Ethiopian adoption program.  Nobody came out and said anything specifically, but reading between the lines, it hit us.  This dream we're chasing, of bringing a little one home from across the globe...probably isn't going to happen.  The program was basically closing.

So then what?

It was definitely a time of struggle for us, discerning what to do next.  We had a lot of different options to discuss.  Byron seems to be able to figure out what he thinks the best option is for him rather quickly.  I, on the other hand, usually want to try all the options, do all the things, adopt all the kids.  So we talked about it for a while, but mostly I just needed to sit with things for a while.  The biggest question that made it hard for me to actually make a decision was... I thought we were following God's call.  I thought God led us to the Ethiopian program.  So why would he then lead us away?  Why did we do all that work for nothing?  Shouldn't there be some reason, some lesson we see in this?  I can tell you now, yes, there are lots of lessons I've been learning through this, but mostly it is just to follow where God is leading us, even if that means we have to turn around and start again.

So I think that we, as a family, have figured out what our adoption might look like.  Because Byron felt so strongly about one option, and I just felt everything about all options, we decided to go in the direction Byron felt most comfortable.

But what does that mean?  First of all, though we are not starting completely over, there are some things that we have to go back and redo.  Appointments...visits...paperwork...things like that.  And those rough timelines that we were attempting to follow?  Those are all out the window.  We don't yet have anything new to go by, and we may not get anything.  Finally, the financial impact changes as well, but I have no worries there.  God has shown himself faithful here before, He will do it again.

So we're good, and we're pressing on as best we know how, but truly truly it's into a land of uncertainty.  We are trying to take things day by day.  I actually read a quote just this morning by Lysa TerKeurst.  It says, "Being present with a heart bent toward love and daring to look at what's been placed right in front of you is the best place to start."  That resonates with me - what has been placed right in front of us is all we have.  Good words.

I want to open up just a bit more though.  I, in particular, have been dealing with lots of insecurity in this new direction. Some of that being lack of control, others just being everyday insecurities that I really haven't dealt with for a while.  For a time, I was even feeling attacked by the devil every time I tried to go to sleep.  Any time you uplift our family in prayer, we really appreciate it.

My last insecurity is all of you.  We shared with you our story, our struggle, but also our hopeful outcome.  Now that will be different.  Are you judging us?  Do you still support us even though our path may have turned?  I am not living out this story solely to please others, but you all matter to me so much.  Friends, family, so many of you have supported us this far.  Are you disappointed with this failure?

In an attempt to not leave this on a gloomy note, I have to reiterate how thankful I am for those of you who do support us. Our future is fuzzy...it has been ever since October...but we are choosing to live out each day - what has been placed right in front of us - to its fullest.

p.s.  Okay okay I can't stop I guess.  I need to share one more thing that has been helping me through this time of uncertainty.  I am going to do an extreme summarization, but here's the story.  Daniel 3.  Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are being thrown into the fiery furnace.  They are asked something like will your God save you now?  They answer we believe he will, but if not, He is still Good.  To me, that is just like me saying God will lead us through this life, through this adoption, and we will see our dreams fulfilled.  But if not...HE IS STILL GOOD.  Let that be an encouragement to you today in whatever way it needs to.  It has been a constant reminder for me.

VIGNETTES

It is a sad reality that we have been in our house for so long and yet so much is still undone.  And I'm not talking about the big stuff, because we always said we would work at our own pace on the basement.  What I mean is that we will soon have been in our house for five years, and not a lot of art on the walls.  So I got a bee in my britches last weekend and decided to remedy that.

Two new holes went into Mason's walls.  The first was of a print that I had picked up years ago at a place like Target or World Market.  I just liked it, so I hung onto (cough...hoarder).  The second was something I picked up at a craft fair just the week before.  And...voila!

So after I accomplished that little task, I decided to just keep going.  Our family room is often overrun by the toys that I haven't quite figured out how to corral.  In the corner, though, we have a small bookshelf that houses all of Mason's books and a few other things.  We've managed to keep a plant or two alive on top, so I went ahead and added a bit more personality.  I had ordered the family print a few weeks ago, and the other two pictures were things I had on hand.  There is a reason that you aren't getting a wide angle shot, but what do you think?

These two small projects have really motivated me to get some more things checked off my list.  Are there any small updates you're making around your house?

TRICK OR TREAT

This will bring us to the end of this fall-slash-Halloween extravaganza.  The last thing that we did with Mason to celebrate Halloween was trick or treating.  As usual, I stayed home and passed out candy while Byron and Mason took on the neighborhood.  Well, taking on the neighborhood was a quick five houses, followed by Mason saying "Daddy, I shivering."  So they came home quickly.

But then Mason quickly adapted from collecting candy to passing it out.  He took his job very seriously.  Every time the doorbell rang, he would jump up and say "That's my job!"  He would open the door all by himself, put one piece of candy in each kid's bag and watch them walk away.  Several times after he closed the door he would even wipe is brow and say "That was hard."  Where does he get all that cuteness?

Here he is checking out his spoils.  It wouldn't be much, but we have a certain next door neighbor (Papa) who may have loaded him up with some special treats.  I guess this is all until next year.  It is neat to see how things have changed over the past years and it will be neat to see how Mason handles it all next year!

HOW NOT TO CARVE PUMPKINS WITH A PRESCHOOLER

Remember when you were a kid, and carving pumpkins involved stabbing them with a steak knife in order to get triangle eyes and a jagged smile?  That was more or less the pumpkin carving experience of my childhood.  Fancy was when our pumpkins had a few teeth thrown in the mix.  Fast forward to today, when elaborate patterns and power tools are plastered all over Pinterest.  Those ideas are great and all, but let me tell you they are not for us.  At least not until Mason turns 16.

We bought the pattern book.  "This is going to be great!" we thought.  Mason and Byron conspire to select the best patterns.

They decide on two different skeletons.  SKELETONS.  This is where things started to go wrong.  Skeletons have dozens of teeny tiny bones.  I didn't realize it at the time, but like five minutes later I would see the error in our ways.  Second mistake.  How many adults does it take to understand the directions on how to apply the pattern?  She looks happy.  It's fake.

And then, when we were carving and carving and carving those tiny little slits, we all began to feel like this.

We did finally finish those pumpkins...right before Mason went to bed.  The redeeming moment was when Byron got them finished, he turned out the lights and showed Mason what they look like lit up. Mason exclaimed, "Daddy, you made a Halloween!"  Love him.

So next year, would someone please remind me that we will enjoy ourselves a whole lot more if we just cut out triangle eyes?

THE GREAT PUMPKIN PARTY

The second of our fall traditions is to go to the Great Pumpkin Party hosted by my sister's church.  Games, inflatables, candy...what could be more fun?  We stuck mostly to those three things, although the church offers a science show, petting zoo, pony rides, concerts, and probably much much more.  Mason was a bit hard to capture, so I only got a few photos.  But isn't he the cutest little Triceratops you ever did see?  Of course he is.

At the end of the night and after several turns in the bounce house, the costume definitely came off.  That dinosaur head is no joke.  We also did something that was a family first - we took our turn in a photo booth.  So not only did we come home with plenty of candy and a worn out little boy, but a cool souvenir as well!

PUMPKIN FARM

Just a warning - this year we did a LOT of fall-slash-Halloween activities.  This is just the recap of the first.  And yes, it's November already.  I hadn't intended for there to be such a lag in me blogging our activities, but whoops...it happened.

The first of our fall activities is our favorite tradition, visiting Howell's pumpkin farm.  We have done this every year since Mason was born, which means this was our 4th trip.  Yes, I remember taking Mason there when he was just three months old.  I think Byron thought I was nuts at the time, but this year I even heard him say something about being thankful that I (ridiculously) insisted this become our tradition.  We all love it.  This year it was FREEZING but we still had a good time.

First up, the pony rides.  Mason rode our favorite horse, Mocha.  Why is she our favorite?  There is no good reason other than that's who he rode last year.

Up next were the swings and the wiggle cars.  I don't know if I have mentioned this but I am pretty obsessed with the wiggle cars.  I'm so good at them!  Okay, so the other drivers had the average age of four, so I guess I have an unfair advantage. Mason and I rode them for quite a while.  Long enough that I bet there are several families who get home and say "Why is there a weird adult in this video of our kid on the wiggle cars?"  Well, that's just me.

A definite favorite this year were the teeter-totters.  I don't know where this new love came from, but he didn't want to leave them!

We did actually buy pumpkins this year, but we still haven't actually taken the hayride out to the pumpkin patch to pick them.  I also didn't get any photos.  It was just too cold, I guess.  I love this little tradition of ours.  If it were warmer, I'm sure we would have done the corn maze and the corn shooter, too, but that will be fun to try next year!