A few days ago, I read something that I had written three years ago. I hardly recognized that girl. It is nearly unbelievable how much life has changed in ways I never expected. I wish I could say it is so much better, and in some ways, it honestly is. But in others, it's overwhelmingly worse.
Do I sound negative? If someone were looking at me, my life probably wouldn't seem like that. My marriage is better than ever. Mason definitely challenges us, but we love him so much more ever day that we literally just might burst. We are connected with our church, and both love our jobs. So what makes it worse, then?
It's me. It's my head, my emotions, and my entire state of being. I realized this week that I'm my own worst enemy. My own thoughts are what bring me down and discourage me. It's all internal. And that also means I cope by blocking things out. I block out Jesus and I lose my tenderness. Little by little, I become hardened, and three years later I don't know who I'm looking at in the mirror or how I've gotten here.
I thought about all of this. All the emotions that have changed since three years ago, and how I have such a different outlook now. Though I'm less tender, I could offer that I'm also less entitled, which isn't entirely a bad thing. But can I ever get back to my three years ago self?
Do I want to?
The outlook I had back then, and the things I believed, were so awesome. My actions and my beliefs were aligned, and it was great. And as I unknowingly let this misalignment creep in these past three years, it's just really been hard. And I don't know what to do or who to be. And that's kind of where I'm at.
I usually make quick conclusions but not this time. I need to ponder a bit more and use this time to figure out this alignment. And it could take time. But I know deep down that He who began a good work in me will see it through to completion. This is just the middle. The messy, messy middle.
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