THE MESSY MIDDLE

A few days ago, I read something that I had written three years ago.  I hardly recognized that girl.  It is nearly unbelievable how much life has changed in ways I never expected.  I wish I could say it is so much better, and in some ways, it honestly is. But in others, it's overwhelmingly worse.

Do I sound negative?  If someone were looking at me, my life probably wouldn't seem like that.  My marriage is better than ever.  Mason definitely challenges us, but we love him so much more ever day that we literally just might burst.  We are connected with our church, and both love our jobs.  So what makes it worse, then?

It's me.  It's my head, my emotions, and my entire state of being.  I realized this week that I'm my own worst enemy.  My own thoughts are what bring me down and discourage me.  It's all internal.  And that also means I cope by blocking things out.  I block out Jesus and I lose my tenderness.  Little by little, I become hardened, and three years later I don't know who I'm looking at in the mirror or how I've gotten here.

I thought about all of this.  All the emotions that have changed since three years ago, and how I have such a different outlook now.  Though I'm less tender, I could offer that I'm also less entitled, which isn't entirely a bad thing.  But can I ever get back to my three years ago self?

Do I want to?

The outlook I had back then, and the things I believed, were so awesome.  My actions and my beliefs were aligned, and it was great.  And as I unknowingly let this misalignment creep in these past three years, it's just really been hard.  And I don't know what to do or who to be.  And that's kind of where I'm at.

I usually make quick conclusions but not this time.  I need to ponder a bit more and use this time to figure out this alignment.  And it could take time.  But I know deep down that He who began a good work in me will see it through to completion.  This is just the middle.  The messy, messy middle.

A NEW LEAF

So it's actually been a really long time since I've been here, huh.  My (poor) excuse is that my computer was (is) nearly impossible to use since it's so old.  It crawls.  But we have plans to change that.  I guess I have just missed writing about my life so I showed up again.

It's January.  In a new year.  And actually we're halfway through the month already.  I can hardly believe it.  Today my little babe is five and a half, which is a milestone I never imagined, quite frankly.

I made a few resolutions.  I don't know that they are for the year, necessarily.  In my head I think of them as January resolutions, so that when February comes, I can build on them or tweak them as necessary.  My first is to cut back on coffee, which I'm still in the process of.  I'm doing great, thanks. I was drinking a ridiculous amount of coffee before. Ridiculous.  My ultimate goal is to get to just one cup a day (and save anything more for special occasions).  Maybe by February.

My second is to drink more water.  I do well at this during the week when I'm at work and in a routine.  Also my coworker helps me.  But at home, I'm still working on it.

Final goal, I'm working out.  I really needed this.  I wake up at 4:30 (yeah, I know) on weekdays and trudge downstairs, but always emerge feeling energized.  Weekends I am a little less regimented but I still try hard to prioritize this time.  I was feeling so chubby.  Outside of pregnancy, I'm definitely my heaviest self.  And I was feeling even more lazy.  I was running out of energy and I desperately wanted that to change.  So even though now I have the same bedtime as many toddlers, I feel a lot better.  I'm hoping this continues into the months to come.

Byron is in the think of working on the bathroom in our basement.  This is the last major project we have to complete (though small projects never end around here!).  He is able to do a little bit just about every day and it's moving us closer to a finished space.  We cannot wait!  It will be especially hand for me, now that I've got this early morning workout routine, to have a shower that's not two inches away from where people are sleeping.

We have had an extremely long period of silence and waiting, but we are still hopeful in our journey to adoption.  By now, everyone that I've known or met on this journey has started and ended their own adoption journeys and we're the last kids on the bus.  I know that in the end, everything will make sense, but I am not going to lie - it's been hard at times.  I know I probably have self-imposed fears, but I constantly worry that I'm a disappointment or failure to others.

I missed writing about some big occasions last year (trips to Phoenix and Disney World!) and I found that I just hardly pick up my camera anymore.  And that was so fun for me.  So although I never know what the next day will bring and how I might change my mind, I would like to come back here and visit every once in awhile.