I didn't know it at the time, but this little boy was a miracle baby.
I always wanted a big family. Always. Choosing baby names is honestly one of my earliest memories. Thank goodness you don't have children when you are ten, because my children would be Chrysanthemum (horrible), Sidney (got lucky here, still one of my favorites), and Brishan (my parents' personal favorite). Poor taste aside, this is just something I always saw for myself - grow up, get married, and have lots of kids.
When I did get married, we knew early on that having a family would most likely be harder for us than for the average couple. During the hard times when we were trying to have a baby, I was always plagued by the thought that I knew I had so much love to give a child. Surely there was a child somewhere for me to love? After a few years of infertility ups and downs, we finally found (fairly simple) help from a doctor, and were pregnant soon after. We thought we had found the answer to our struggles.
When it was time to think about having another child, we simply did what worked for us before, and quickly we were pregnant again. Only this time, shortly after hearing the baby's heartbeat, we lost the baby. We were discouraged, but not hopeless.
Soon after that, we were pregnant for the third time, and yet again, the ultrasound showed us another baby that failed to thrive. Once again we were discouraged and broken, but not hopeless.
Though as time went on, our hope began to dwindle. And a few months later, we were suddenly faced with the reality that we would not be having more children without an additional financial investment. In essence, that door was closed. And we were devastated.